Episode 13: Table for One

I walked through the door with a giant smile on my face as I threw the keys on the table sat down at my desk. I sipped the last bit of coffee left in the bottom of my cup from this morning, checked my email, and made my way to the kitchen to make more. Naturally the first thing I was inclined to do was to hit the button on the answering machine to listen to all my missed calls. Haven’t you ever noticed that most Hollywood block busters these days always have the character in the mid twenties walk through the door, hang the coat on the expense looking coat rack, and listen to the 20 voice messages from their significant other half way around the world? I’ve always wondered why nearly every movie has something to that extent included in the movie. I just don’t find anything all that romantic about an answering machine, even though I have had terrifying experiences with them in the middle of the night before.

I hesitated, but curiously pushed the button, only for the operator to tell me I had no new messages. What a drag I thought, but nothing could ruin today, at least for now. I was called into work early this morning. My phone went off at 5:30 in the morning with a surprisingly pleasant message from my boss. This was probably the first time he has ever called me without having something negative to say about the world. It was double bonus points today, especially because he isn’t a morning person. I jumped out of bed and headed off to the office with a half cup of coffee in my system. He called me in to ask me to do a rather large favor.

Since I am the communications guy for my company, part of my job is to work with clients on a personal scale in order to maximize productivity…at least that’s what my training manual says. I have no idea what that means. He told me he was sending my on a two day trip to New York City>. One of his clients there needed to speak to a representative from the company about on of his specific interests abroad. So since my boss requested a few days off for his anniversary, he is sending me in his place. Immediately after he told me, I felt like a four year old opening a Christmas present on Christmas day. You know: “no way!! No way! Thankyouthankyouthankyou, this is the bestest present ever…love you mom and dad.” I don’t think my response was that drastic considering my professional swagger, but the ride down to the lobby consisted of me singing “If I ruled the world.”

Since he gave me that news this morning, he gave me the next two days off to prepare for the trip. Technically I don’t get work off; I just don’t have to go to the office to do my work. I sat at my desk for the next several hours putting together my final presentation for this client. I’ve only done this once before, and last time I ended up telling my life story, at least the “action-packed” part of it to the old man in the Victorian house. With my luck that just might happen again. I seriously considered attaching an auto biography to the presentation if such an event were to occur. I have to constantly remind myself the in the business world, not everyone wants to hear my depressing love sick stories, especially not ones who live in penthouse apartments in downtown New York City. Scratch my dream of connecting with this one on a personal scale. I finished up the presentation just before lunch. I really want to treat myself today, but I’m not really the celebrating type to go to an expensive restaurant and ask for a table for one.

Almost immediately after the thought crossed my mind, the phone rang. “Naturally”, I thought, out loud. I picked up the phone and low and behold it was her. While she was giving the usual introductory spiel, I was contemplating in my mind whether or not I would regret actually picking up the phone. This got me in trouble. She asked me how my day was, and my response was: “bad idea.” Hmmmm yup, that was an accident. I quickly apologized for my splurge of random words, but she just wouldn’t drop it. I told her I was looking at computers on ebay and I found one that was a “bad idea.” So naturally I’m not a good liar. Never have been, and probably never will be. She asked me if we could meet for lunch really soon to talk about something. Of course she leaves the subject out, just so I would spend the next 24 hours torturing myself over what she meant. So I took a bold step and asked her to meet for lunch today. She stumbled over her filler words….that isn’t really supposed to happen. Usually filler words are supposed to be noise. But hers sounded more like ummmhumhumhummm; if you can imagine that sound. I thought about saying: “Think about it quick, because I’m moving to NYC in 3 days.” But considering her obviously scattered state of mind, I’d rather not add to the gibberish, and I don’t think my humor of moving vs. visiting would go over very well. I honestly believe she was thinking of a good enough legitimate excuse for why she couldn’t, probably because she wasn’t prepared.

She accepted my invitation and I gave her directions a small deli shop I found by work. Since she was working today and I wasn’t, I though it would be appropriate to show up in jeans and a t-shirt just to rub it in. I thought of all sorts of great stories to make up about how I was fired from my job, evicted from my apartment, and had my entire bank account drained, but I just couldn’t stop laughing while trying to rehearse these masterpiece stories. I turned into the parking lot to see her standing there….talking on her cell phone. I knew it was him, based on the giddy grin on her face. I thought about honking the horn as loud as possible and waving obnoxiously like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber, but then again…How old am I? I pulled into a space and got out of the car soon enough to hear the last two words of the conversation… “Love you.” Have you ever had those feelings in your heart where it feels like something sharp just decided to bounce up and down against the inner walls of the heart? Well now I know what that feels like.

I put a sheepish smile on my face and walked over and gave her the one-armed-friend hug. You know the one; one arm hanging as if paralyzed while the other simply tries to find the third bump on the spine. I guess maybe I have put too much thought into that method. We walked into the deli shop and found a place to sit down. Her first question to me was: “So what’s with the jeans and t-shirt? Casual Tuesday?” hehehe….thats not funny, I thought to myself wanting to come up with a witty response. Unfortunately all I could think of was: “no I just forgot my scrubs.” Hmmmm maybe not the best idea. So instead I just decided to laugh as if I actually thought it was funny. We ordered our food and sat back to engage in conversation. Oh the joys of actual conversation, not the one liners of sarcastic comments that I utterly enjoy, but rather words with a purpose and direction. She told me how her week was, and I reciprocated with the same dialogue. The only thing stirring in my head during that portion of the conversation was my trip to NYC. I don’t want to sound selfish, but after the “casual Tuesday” comment, I totally zoned out. I could tell there was something really important she wanted to tell me, but her backwards way of doing it was to talk about the monotony of her week, and somehow all tie it back to, “I’m glad he was there to help.” I was just waiting for the perfect time to drop the News about New York. I was hoping there would be some big event going on that she really wanted me to be at during the time that I would be in New York City, but no such event was brought up. We sat for a while before our food came, and she looked as if she was itching to get something out. She was squirming in her seat like a little kid staring at a cupcake while waiting for the parent’s approval to eat it. So I decided to take yet another bold step. “So what’s going on with you? You seem like you have something on your mind, other than your dull week.” I think I caught her off guard when she stopped the people watching and focused her eyes on mine. You know its going to be an awkward topic when the first thing that comes out is the word: Sooooo…I leaned back in my chair grinning on the inside because I knew I could call her bluff. She wasn’t ready to talk about it, and this was very apparent. She finally gathered her thoughts and spoke: “So this guy I’ve been seeing….well he thinks I’m the one….” I smiled with a sense of knowing I at least have some sense of intuition left. I sat for a few seconds thinking of the most awkward response possible. I wasn’t planning on making this easy for her. “What do you think?” I replied. I could tell by the look on her face she was getting a bit uncomfortable. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about…He and I have talked about it a little bit, and….well…we’ve…uhh…well, its slowly becoming a possibility.” I could tell this definitely wasn’t easy for her. I wouldn’t be comfortable telling someone this either. “Has he proposed?” I asked her. “Not technically no, he kinda hinted at it.” I sat back with whatever was left of my jaw trying to jumble together a few encouraging words. “hmmm, well that’s cool;” is about the only response I could come up with. She looked at me intently and smiled. “Soooo…are you doing ok with things?” she asked. How am I supposed to respond to a question like that? I sheepishly smiled back and simply said “yeah.” I slipped on my shades and stood up telling her I had to go. She stood up and gave me a goodbye hug. As I was walking away she told me we should meet for coffee this week. I turned around and told her “I can’t, I’ll be in New York City.” We said our goodbye’s and I got behind the wheel of my Honda, and sat in silence for a few seconds with the wedding march song stuck in my head. I blared the radio and drove off.

The highway was unusually jammed today. Not only was it the middle of the day an hour past lunchtime, it’s a Tuesday. Not that the day really matters, but I felt the utter need to add useless facts to increase my credibility. Back to the point, the highway was jammed. I sat back in traffic and pulled my portfolio out of my bag and closely glanced at the fading picture neatly hidden behind the leather dividers. Why do I keep a picture of her? I haven’t honestly thought about it other than the possibility of a reminder. None the less I spent several minutes replaying lunch inside my head. I haven’t quiet put together the pieces of the puzzle just yet. It has only been a few short months since we reintroduced ourselves like the day “Harry met Sally.” Not only was that a complete opposite from today, but I look back and remember not only the embarrassment of the situation, but also the underlying feelings of hope and possibility. At the time I chose to ignore those feelings but looking back now makes me realize how apparent they were in my life. I sat behind the wheel trying do drown out the sounds of cars angrily honking due to the massive amounts of traffic. It wasn’t too hard to zone out today. My seemingly good day turned into a nasty de ja vu back in high school of that cold winter day.

I spent the better part of the afternoon continuing to finish my presentation for New York City. I worked straight through the evening hoping to finish up enough to have a lighter day tomorrow. I glanced at the clock a few moments before it struck 7 in the evening and the grumbling sensation in my stomach screamed at me to feed it. I walked down the stairs to the bottom floor of my apartment complex. The air was cool and brisk as I made my way across the court yard to the entrance. I decided I was going to walk to dinner tonight. There is no sense in me driving to a place a few blocks away. As I walked down the sidewalk my eyes wandered to the local neighborhood couples going on evening strolls in the lighted streets.

Fog fell across the town as I continued my journey to the small hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. In less than 48 hours I would be on my way to New York City for a few days. It just seemed so surreal to me as I pondered all the trip would bring. I took off my coat and sat down at the corner booth in the restaurant waiting for the waitress to take my order. I didn’t think I would be spending my “spectacular” day sitting at a table for one on a cold brisk night while love was in the air all around me. I sipped my hot cup of Columbian brewed coffee, realizing, it was best to just let it go.

I came back to the apartment and found my favorite spot on the couch and popped in a movie to help my mind from continuing to ponder the word “proposal.” Before I knew it, I fell completely asleep.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of someone knocking on my door. My natural hope would be her standing there with a giant smile on her face telling me she broke up with him, but how selfish would that be of me to think such a thing. I really am happy for her, but unfortunately my jealous, romantic, wanna-be-chivalrous attitude always kicks in. I slowly made my way to the door and turned the knob. My mom stood in the doorway with a rather large box in her hands. I wasn’t sure what it was but I invited her in. She set the box on the table and gave me a hug. She told me I will never be too old for college care packages even though I am technically done with college. That gave me somewhat of a clue as to what this mystery box contained. I poured us both cups of coffee and we sat at the table and talked for a while. She asked me how everything was going with me and “you know who.” My face dropped just enough for a mothers intuition to pick up on my signals.

I sat and told her the whole story. She even admitted that the way things drastically changed was extremely odd. She got up from the table and grabbed her coat from the rack. She smiled at me and simply said: “all in good time.” I opened the door and said goodbye. I closed the door tightly behind me as if I was on a crime scene ready to defuse a bomb staring at the semi large box on my table. I grabbed the proper utensils and went to work ripping off the four layers of duct tape and packaging paper. I opened the box filled with bubble wrap and newspaper digging for my lost treasure. I pulled out the card and opened it first. The inside of the card was an encouraging not as I was heading of to New York City for a few days. Underneath all the bubble wrap and newspaper was a package of deodorant, razors, and a package of fruit of the loom boxers. My mom never ceases to make me smile. Of course she threw in the traditional pound of coffee and gift card. I sat back in my chair and smiled remembering what my mother said; “all in good time.” It almost bothered me not really knowing what she fully meant by such a statement. I wasn’t expecting things to magically clear up, but I was at least hoping for a bit of clarity. It was only a few moments after I dozed off to sleep at my kitchen table in the middle of the morning, when I heard a knock at my door again. I slowly stood up from my chair and made my way to the door. I opened the door, and there she was standing right in front of me. She stood frozen before me as though I was responsible for the first few words, she took a deep breath and words finally came out…. “

To be continued….

Episode 12: Preschool Rhapsody

The car came to a slow stop. I grasped the steering wheel for a while staring off into the tapestry of lights before my eyes. I have always enjoyed driving to the city overlook at night; especially during the fall. There is just something so relaxing about watching the fog rise over the city just after dusk. I couldn’t help but notice how cold it was today. That sure didn’t stop me from coming here, but the warm cup of coffee in my hands just wasn’t enough to stop the shaking sensation from the neck down.
I stepped outside of the car and sat on the hood waiting. I have no idea what I was waiting for, but something kept me from going home tonight. Today was probably a pretty close comparison to the worst day in the history of mankind. Have you ever had one of those days where one thing after another just piles on top of your already bad day? Well that was today for me. I really don’t know where to begin….

I woke up this morning trying to picture my doctor staring back at me in the mirror saying “Today is going to be a good day *in a kindergarten teacher type of voice*…Now smile back at that handsome man in the mirror.” I was about to throw up realizing I had to go back next week. To think I’m actually paying to learn how to think positive. I tied my tie as I was walking to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. The smell of burnt coffee serenaded the inside of my nostrils as I found an entire pot of coffee making its home on my kitchen floor. The pot itself was still sitting on the coffee pot, but I guess I didn’t push it in far enough so the coffee maker decided to spew coffee all over my kitchen floor like a preschooler who hasn’t been potty trained. My face turned bright red and steam flowed from my ears as I knew I didn’t have any time to stop to clean it up. I grabbed a towel and imagined the permanent coffee smell that will remain in my kitchen for as long as I pay rent here. I hope the next tenants like coffee.
I managed to find a drive through Mcdonalds where I politely asked for a large cup of coffee. I was already running late for work and there was no reason for a drive through to take any longer than standing in line at a Starbucks. I pulled around to the window to pay, and the lady took my money and directed me to the next window. By this point I am wondering why I ever stopped for coffee. It seems like the natural thing to do would be to give me my coffee after I pay for it. It really isn’t rocket science to pour a cup of coffee and have it sitting at the cash register so that when the next customer pulls up to the window 5 minutes later, their coffee is ready. But no, not this morning, I guess I forgot part two of the application process. What do they need next? My social security card? Drivers license? Proof of citizenship? I received my lukewarm coffee and sped off into the sunshine to embark on another adventurous day of work. What a hassle I thought to myself. Americans spend thousands of dollars a year waiting at a drive through to get a lukewarm cup of coffee. I have nothing against Mcdonalds coffee, in fact I love it, but today however, they seemed a bit under the weather….Just like me.
I pulled into MY spot at the office and rushed inside the building. Of course the second I walk into the office everyone is rushing off to the conference room for a meeting. I didn’t get the chance to put any of my things down before I had to make my way to the morning meeting. Since I am the communications guy for my company, I guess this gives my boss the free reign to communicate to me all the problems that I need to fix about the company. You know problems such as figuring out why not all of the reports have been turned in to his office on time (not even my reports, everyone elses), or just the fact that our budget return was not ahead of last year’s. I think before the clock struck 9 I was about ready to snap. I felt like breaking a keyboard over someone’s face if they ever brought up how “helpful” this mornings meeting was again. I stuck myself in my office and tried my best to stay there all the way till lunch. I managed to sneak out of the building before my boss tried to invite me to have lunch with him at the corner bakery. I don’t think I could deal with another venting session, mostly aimed at me. I turned my phone on silent and tried to use that as my excuse to why I didn’t “hear” my phone.
I guess, to be completely honest, there was something else bothering me. Other than the fact that she was dating some male nurse she met in college, I couldn’t get over the fact that my feelings were completely disregarded. I’m not bitter at all. It wouldn’t be the first time this has happened. Despite these circumstances, I have no idea where anything is going anymore. I used to be irritated that she used to call me, invite herself to my best friend’s wedding, and watch me make a fool of myself in a well known public coffee shop. The fact is, now I’m irritated that she doesn’t.
I walked down Mainstreet looking for something new and exciting to try for lunch. I stopped at a small Chinese restaurant and ordered my food. I decided to lay my phone on the table, just in case my nauseating-male-nurse-love

r *cough cough*…my friend should call. I really shouldn’t really be this cynical. It’s not like I ever did anything to stop it. I just had lame dreams about getting rejected at my own wedding proposal, nothing too big.
The last piece of nicely seasoned orange chicken made its way down the back of my throat as I sipped my warm green tea. I packed my things and put on my coat to head back out into the brisk cool air for another round of my obnoxious job. The 13 floor ride to the top of the building felt much like I can imagine a prisoner walking to the electric chair. I was greeted again my wonderful boss handing me a hefty to do list with a side of “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” I always saw movies where fearless men in white collared shirts would make witty comments and throw the piles of work back in the face of their bosses, but I figured he is still higher than me on the food chain, and I had better not mess.
I sat back down at my desk for another 6 hours of work before I could finally head home. Just as I was walking out, my boss gave me a file folder full of empty report sheets to fill out by the end of the week. I smiled and said to myself “Thank you sir can I have another.”
The elevator came to a slow stop at the first floor and I dashed out of the doors just soon enough to see her standing right there. This was a bad case of de ja vu. This is the second time she has come to the office and managed to stand right in front of the elevators just as the doors open. The look on her face made me think something was seriously wrong. I wasn’t sure what to say at first. I walked over and gave her one of those awkward “nice to see you [puke]” hugs. Not to sound mean or anything, but I honestly didn’t feel like seeing and/or talking to her then. I almost wanted to say: “How’s life? I’m enjoying the back seat by the way.” But realized that in the midst of my selfishness, something more was going on. She told me we needed to have a serious talk sometime soon. I asked her what that meant hoping she would tell me that he proposed, but she only stumbled over her words and avoided the subject of him all together. I didn’t need to hear that right now. A serious talk? Really? So the other long talks we have had were….? Ok I get it, I’m probably being a tad selfish….ok really selfish. I felt like I was being talked at. Like I really needed someone to tell me: “I really need you to focus right now, and understand that this talk needs to happen soon.” [Tank you teacher….can I cuh-wer it wred too] I felt just like that preschooler who hadn’t yet been potty trained. I told her my schedule was slammed the next couple of days….even if that meant I had to make it that way. She gave me a hug and said: “I’ll talk to you soon.” As she walked away she pulled out her cell phone and started talking. The sound of her voice was much happier than when she talked to me, so naturally I assumed it was him.
I got in my car and blasted the radio hoping to drown out the feelings and emotions running through my head. Could this really happening? As I sat in stop and go traffic, “How to save a life” by The Fray started playing. Perfect! I thought to myself. Is there anything else? Really now? I decided I wasn’t going to go home, so I took a drive outside the city to the top of the hill overlooking the city. I turned the car off and sat in the silence for a few more moments before stepping out of the car. And now I’m here….

The cool fall air froze the sweat on the back of my neck as I sat and listened to the sounds of the city below. I was playing through every possible scenario in my mind as to what she could possibly want to talk to me about. As much as I tried to ignore what I really thought it was, every scenario ended with her getting engaged. I tried not to think about it, so in the mean time I turned on the radio in my car and rolled down the windows so I could hear the music. At least this time nothing too special came on the radio to ruin what was left of my day.
I finally decided to get back in the car and drive back down into town. There was nothing appealing about anything today. All I wanted to do was pull into the apartment and find good spot on the couch and fall asleep. Unfortunately work just wouldn’t allow. I pulled out one of my favorite TV dinners, and stuck it in the microwave and sat down at the table to start my work. The microwave beeped, and my steaming plate of frozen meatloaf and corn was ready to indulge.
I finished my meal and sat at my desk for a while waiting for the proper motivation to start my work. I’m not ready to start doing something I will just get railed for in tomorrow’s meeting. Oh well….I might as well do something productive.
Just before my eyes were about to close for the last time tonight, the telephone rang. I looked at the clock and it was 1:30 in the morning. Not only did I get to bed an hour ago, I had no motivation to get out of bed to answer the phone. I let it go to voice mail hoping that whoever it was would leave a voicemail if it was really anything important.
Her voice vibrated the walls of my house as she left a very detailed message about today. She apologized for the way she talked to me. I sat at the kitchen table just long enough to hear her leave the message before she hung up. I picked up the phone hoping she was still there. I said hello waiting for her reply. A few seconds passed and I heard her voice on the other line. We talked for a while. I didn’t get much information about what it was she needed to talk to me about. I hung up pretty frustrated. She only called to tell me she didn’t want to sound as if I had no significance in the conversation today, even though I really didn’t have any significance at all. I pulled the covers over my head again to attempt to fall asleep for the second time tonight. However, after all that, this was not a likely thing to happen…

To be continued….

Episode 11: Turning a new leaf

With hands shaking, I tightly grasped my cup of coffee and sat back watching the tedious crowd going about their Saturday morning business. The picture of myself sitting to quietly in a corner was like a silhouette of a statue in a busy market place. I watched as people interacted as if the energy in the room was the only life they needed. I sat silently, yet deep inside, a storm was raging.

I picked up my phone and nervously dialed her number hoping she would answer. After all it was a Saturday morning, what could she possibly be doing that was half as important than talking to me? It rang a few times and she finally answered. As I heard her voice, she sounded out of breath. I asked her if she was ok. She said she was good and that she just got back from a run with her friend that just so happens to be a guy. Of course I want to avoid using the term boyfriend, because I only know the dangers it would do to me psychologically and I really didn’t feel like throwing up in public. Okay so I’m not that bitter about the whole situation, but needless to say I would have rather avoided talking about it. I was going to ask her if she wanted to grab lunch today, but I couldn’t help envisioning the “meet the in-laws lunch” they very well could have planned for today, simply because I didn’t want that to happen. She hasn’t really talked to me much about him. I’m not real sure why, other than the fact that last time we spoke I was somewhat avoidant of the subject at hand. She told me she would love to grab lunch with me sometime this next week, but knowing her, I wouldn’t hear about it for another month and a half. So I tried to put this perspective meeting on a calendar. She said she wasn’t really sure when she would be available, so naturally she told me she would call me. Again, not such a good idea. I might as well book a reservation at one of those restaurants that you have to call 2 years in advance to get a table for two next to the kitchen. This was in fact the closest interpretation of how consistent she was at getting back to me.

I hung up the phone and walked out of the coffee shop into the brisk cool air. The hustle and bustle of people on a cool fall day only reminds me of the memories of her from back in high school. The changing of the leaves, the smell fall in the air, all in which are so familiar remedies for my fall fever. You know the smell of fall; the one that smells somewhat of a campfire, yet at the same time has that sweet twist, all combined together with the cold air stinging the inside of your nostrils. I have somewhat of a biased towards my favorite season, only because I grew up in a place where fall was like Christmas day all season long.

The cloud covered city slightly fogged over with the cool air made for a perfect day of staying at home sipping a hot cup of coffee toiling over the loads of memories burning in my head. It was so natural for that day to only be such a sad addition to my journal of shame. I felt somewhat short of a child journaling of the terrible encounters of the day: “Today I spoke to her, she talked about him, I did my best not to cry, everything is falling apart, sincerely, self.” I have always been interested in journaling. To me it feels like an escape. Not only an escape where I can look back on a life I once lived, but one where the pictures written in ink become painless as the pen moves across the paper.

I sat at my desk tapping the pen on the keyboard trying to think of the perfect words to describe today in a journal most likely no one will ever read. I can’t even imagine my future wife reading such a journal. I would hate to have to explain everything in here about someone who is in fact distant, but needless to say the journal is my way of releasing such memories from my head. I sat for a few hours in silence as the sound of the rain tapping against my window grew louder by the minute. My apartment was silent, up until the phone rang. It was of course her; especially now in the midst of trying not to remember everything at hand. I was somewhat scared of why she could possibly calling, knowing that if anything happens, meaning engagement, I would probably be the first one she would tell.

They haven’t been “seeing each other” for very long. Again I hesitate using the term dating because it’s not even really all that official. Then again, I could very well be in denial. This would not be the first time.

She was only calling to say hi and try to figure out a day to meet for lunch. She apologized for earlier considering she was in a hurry to go with Prince Charming *cough cough*, I mean her friend, to lunch. I’m not at all bitter just for the record. But since we are on “just for the record” statements, I was pretty content with the whole moving forward thing up until d-day in the coffee shop. Just throwing that out there.

She sounded as if she was really excited to finally talk to me. I almost wanted to say something snotty along the lines of: “so what’s his face isn’t around I’m assuming.” But had to remember that it wasn’t about me. I really am trying to be happy for her, but I can’t seem to put together the pieces of why all of this has to happen considering the odds of mending a 3 year young friendship.

We talked for a few minutes longer and set a preliminary date for lunch, both realizing it could very well be subject to change. I hung up the phone with an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as though the storm really was coming. Not the physical storm with clouds, rain, lightning, and thunder, but the one that would rain heavy on my heart.

Night fall came, and I was wide awake. Recapping the events of the day, I fell short of understanding any of it. I desperately wanted to rewind and start over, but the reality is, it already happened. I sat at my kitchen table and stared intently at the boiling hot cup of tea steaming at my face, and fell into a deep thought.

It was nearly two years ago that my parents told me that there is no such thing as open doors in the past, and eventually they will close. I wondered if that’s what all of this was about. Really closing a door that was meant to be closed a long time ago. A door that I tried so hard to keep open for all these years because I was too afraid to go forward alone. Tonight the darkness of the street outside my window resounded in the depths of my soul. I couldn’t help but play the wedding march in my head over and over as I feared the day would soon come of the news of her engagement. I never met her friend, but in the way she talks about him, he seems like someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with her.

After thinking about it in those terms, I was for once truly happy for her in a bittersweet kind of way. You know they say that the one who thinks they don’t deserve you is the one who in fact does. So in a sense, I still had hope, because I went to bed tonight with the feeling of knowing that I don’t deserve her at all, not a single bit.

Episode 10: Manic Monday....or nothing of the sort

The rays of sun flickered across the walls just seconds before the blaring alarm ruined the sweet silence of the morning. I rolled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen for my first round of café ole (which is coffee and cream). I have since had to resort to waking up at the crack of dawn to complete the tiring process of getting ready for work. No longer was I able to throw on the kakis, polo, and lanyard, and call it good. This new morning structure was indeed an art. I had to first manage to find a pair of dress slacks that weren’t wrinkle beyond recognition. That was only step one of the validation process. Next they had to match the sports coat that followed, as well as create an elegant contrast to the stark white dress shirt. This was of course a challenge considering I went to the interview with a black jacket and dark gray pants. Now for the grand finale; finding the right tie. They say you can tell a lot about a man by his choice of tie. I promised myself I would never be the one walking into the office wearing a glow in the dark tie that sang “baby let the good times roll.” I tied my tie in the mirror trying to remember the song that is supposedly supposed to teach you how to tie the tie. Somehow I could only remember the melody, so I just stuck with that.

I topped off my cup o java and headed off to work. Hitting the usual hot spots for rush hour traffic, my mind wandered off to the voice mail message playing over and over in my head from the previous night. Although the words were simple at face value, I couldn’t seem to erase them from my mind. I pulled into the parking garage downtown across the street from my towering office building. I was down town early this morning hoping to find a corner street coffee shop or something to satisfy my coffee craving. I walked three blocks to find the Downtown Bakery and Coffee Café. I walked in and stood behind the vast crowd of people talking on cell phones and sending emails from their black berry’s. I felt the need to fit in so I dial the voice mail number simply to hear the operator say “you have no new messages….to check erased messages, press one now.” Hey, at least I was doing something, even if that meant confirming my lack of a social life. I gazed at the variety of choices on the menu and made my selection. Have you ever noticed how you always repeat your order in your head a million times before actually saying it to the barista? I found myself finding creative ways to regurgitate my order in order to make me appear smarter than I actually am. “Yes, I would like a smashing 24oz. freshly brewed drip coffee with a quarter inch left at the top for cream.” Of course the cups only come in 12 and 16 ounces. Yup I’m a moron. The cashier smiled back at me as she repeated my order and took my money. I don’t think my face could have been any redder after an experience like that. At least the people standing behind me were too busy checking their stocks in the Wall Street Journal to care about my public humiliation.

I grabbed my drink and headed off to the office for another long day of work. I pressed the button for the 13th floor and watched the doors closed symmetrically in front of me. The elevator raced to the 13th floor and I stepped across the threshold into my familiar work space. The receptionist gave me my mail and directed me to the conference room for the morning meeting. After the meeting was over I took my place in my small cubical in the center of the room. Pounding on keys and making phone calls seemed like a life time until lunch break. I grabbed my coat and made my way to the elevator for a lunch break. As the doors opened on the first floor, my phone buzzed in my pocket. “One Missed Call” it indicated. I didn’t feel it ring earlier today. I looked at the number, and sure enough it was her. Not conscious of the idea that she might have hesitated calling me, I dialed her number and waited for her answer. The call went to voicemail. Typical, I thought and proceeded to the front doors. I hadn’t yet come up with a good system for lunch. There were so many options, yet I haven’t found a place where I can comfortably call “my spot.” So I grabbed a sandwich from quiznos and found a bench to eat my lunch.

The afternoon seemed to last for hours as phone call after phone call to various upsetting clients clogged my mind. I could honestly swear that no matter how pleasantly you present the troubling information that a product is currently unavailable to a client, they always seem to blame you for their bad timing. In a way I take it as a compliment. I have always wanted for someone to tell me how bad I am doing at my job because I can’t tangibly fly to china in 30 minutes to pick up what they are looking for. I made my way to the break room to punch out for the day as the familiar vibration in my pocket resounded. I hurried to find my phone, but by the time I got to it, I missed the call….again. For the second time today she has called me and conveniently hung up the phone just before I answered. I strolled out of the office and stood frozen in the elevator. I reached the bottom floor and took a deep breath before entering the busy streets of Downtown. As the doors to the elevator slowly opened, a silhouette of her came into view. My eyes refocused, and by the look on her face, I knew something was up. She came silently came over and gave me a hug. I was a bit uneasy as she looked me in the eye and asked me to walk with her. The last time something relevantly close to this happened, we ended our high school relationship. I was more confident this time knowing that I really didn’t have anything to lose by going with her. She started off by asking me how my day was. Strange question I thought continuing to walk. I almost wanted to answer with “well I got attacked by a cyclist walking to the bakery, spilled mustard on my pants, and almost flew to china to please an upset customer.” I decided now probably wasn’t the time for humor. So I decided to go with the simple: “It was good, how was yours.” She gave me that look when you know its going to be a long story. She took a deep breath and simply said: “Where do I begin.” At first I thought it was going to be one of those stories where I got all the details of her overly stressful day, all the way down to what she had for breakfast, but it turned out being much more than that.

We walked to the coffee shop, and by that time my hands were still shaking from the story she told me. I wasn’t really sure how to take it at this point. We grabbed our coffees and sat down as she continued. Long story short, she basically told me that she ran into a guy she knew from her second year in college. She never mentioned him in the grand scheme of things. I couldn’t be upset realizing that during those years, we were completely disconnected from each other. She told me how nice it was to see him and how they were able to catch up over lunch. I was truly happy for her…at least at that point. She told me after she left that school she thought she would never see him again. There were so many sarcastic things I wanted to say while sitting across the table from her, but I had to zip my lips. As she continued the story, she told me that they actually dated during that period of time. I was shocked because she never mentioned that to me before, especially after the D-day experience in the coffee shop. My enthusiasm for her story started to fade. I found my self responding to her story with lines like: “That’s cool” and “Oh ok.” You know all the intelligent ones. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be happy or upset. Her face started to light up with each and every detail of the story. I’m pretty sure mine looked something short of Eor from Winne the Pooh. As if the story wasn’t enough, she told me he invited her to dinner the following night with his parents. Nice, I thought, only being reminded constantly of the countless wedding movies meeting the in-laws. My throat started to sting as I tried to swallow every bit of the hopes and expectations I had built up inside. I desperately wanted to be happy for her, and don’t get me wrong, I really was, but the void in my heart seemed to get a little bit bigger.

We finished our coffee and headed outside. The clouds were filling the sky as if it was going to rain. What a great way to set the ambiance for my mood. She looked at me as if she knew something was wrong. I honestly don’t know what gave me away, maybe the shiny gloss covering my eyes almost dripping from my eye lids, or the way my hands were shaking. I didn’t want to be a damper on her day. So I quickly came up with a response. “Oh I have a terrible head ache, and my eyes water every time I get one.” Whether or not she bought it was beyond me. She asked me if I needed any medicine. Of course she had a whole walgreens stashed in her purse. It always reminded me of Mary Popins when she would pull all the bedroom furniture from her purse. “Yes I’ll have 3 asprins, 2 crushed Tylenol, and 4 excedrins, in a club soda, on the rocks.” I thanked her for her offer but turned it down knowing exactly what was wrong with me.

We parted ways at the parking garage down town. I jumped in the car and sped away hoping she couldn’t see the ocean of tears flowing from my face. I wanted to be happy. I wanted her to be happy. I guess in all reality I realized I wanted to be happy with her. Flash backs of the old man came back into mind as I remembered what he said: “Never lose a chance to tell someone you care, because you really don’t ever know what you have until it is gone forever.” With that I broke down and cried profusely. As I was starting to calm down, the vibrating sensation of my phone took over my consciousness. Once again, it was her calling. I toyed with the idea of letting it go to voicemail, because I was unsuccessful with my other 2 attempts to get to the phone on time today. I decided to answer. “Hello?” I said softly trying not to give off the impression that I was crying. “Hey its me…..ummmm are you ok?......you just seemed kinda out of it today.” I tried my best not to start to break down again. “Oh I’m fine, it was a stressful day at work, and I had a lot on my mind.” You know the usual BS. “Oh I see…..so how are you taking things?” she just had to ask. “Taking what things?” I supposed I had to be careful not to seem insensitive, but at that point I was rather apathetic about it. “Oh…….good, I’m really happy for you.” I’m not sure if it was my tone of voice that gave it away but her next question made it seem as though she didn’t believe me. “Are you sure you are doing ok with this?” I almost wanted to believe that she wanted me to not be ok with it. “Absolutely, just as long as you are” I replied with a laugh. She laughed back and told me she had to go. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes as I knew that this was no longer a drill. This wasn’t just a terrible nightmare in an Italian restaurant.

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite restaurant and walked inside. “Table for one please” I said to the hostess as I waited on the bench. I sat down at the table and glanced over the menu. It was one of those terrible habits where I knew exactly what I was getting, but still felt the need to look over the menu just for clarification. I ate my dinner and paid the check. By the time I walked out of the restaurant the sky was dark, and rain was pouring down on the empty streets. No use getting out the umbrella, I was already wet. I walked slowly back to the car and got in. I sat in the front seat for a while trying erase the visual image of a guy I didn’t even know, or someone I have never seen before. I gained enough strength to drive home and find my way to the apartment door in the dark. The electricity went out the building due to the storm.

I grabbed the flashlight and went searching through the cupboards for a few candles. I found the candles and placed them strategically around the room. Sitting in the candle lit room, the darkness resonated both inside and outside of my heart. I sat for a few hours before mustering up enough strength to find my way to bed. I pulled the covers over my head, and tried to find my place in a world I knew nothing of.

To Be continued…..