Episode 10: Manic Monday....or nothing of the sort

The rays of sun flickered across the walls just seconds before the blaring alarm ruined the sweet silence of the morning. I rolled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen for my first round of café ole (which is coffee and cream). I have since had to resort to waking up at the crack of dawn to complete the tiring process of getting ready for work. No longer was I able to throw on the kakis, polo, and lanyard, and call it good. This new morning structure was indeed an art. I had to first manage to find a pair of dress slacks that weren’t wrinkle beyond recognition. That was only step one of the validation process. Next they had to match the sports coat that followed, as well as create an elegant contrast to the stark white dress shirt. This was of course a challenge considering I went to the interview with a black jacket and dark gray pants. Now for the grand finale; finding the right tie. They say you can tell a lot about a man by his choice of tie. I promised myself I would never be the one walking into the office wearing a glow in the dark tie that sang “baby let the good times roll.” I tied my tie in the mirror trying to remember the song that is supposedly supposed to teach you how to tie the tie. Somehow I could only remember the melody, so I just stuck with that.

I topped off my cup o java and headed off to work. Hitting the usual hot spots for rush hour traffic, my mind wandered off to the voice mail message playing over and over in my head from the previous night. Although the words were simple at face value, I couldn’t seem to erase them from my mind. I pulled into the parking garage downtown across the street from my towering office building. I was down town early this morning hoping to find a corner street coffee shop or something to satisfy my coffee craving. I walked three blocks to find the Downtown Bakery and Coffee Café. I walked in and stood behind the vast crowd of people talking on cell phones and sending emails from their black berry’s. I felt the need to fit in so I dial the voice mail number simply to hear the operator say “you have no new messages….to check erased messages, press one now.” Hey, at least I was doing something, even if that meant confirming my lack of a social life. I gazed at the variety of choices on the menu and made my selection. Have you ever noticed how you always repeat your order in your head a million times before actually saying it to the barista? I found myself finding creative ways to regurgitate my order in order to make me appear smarter than I actually am. “Yes, I would like a smashing 24oz. freshly brewed drip coffee with a quarter inch left at the top for cream.” Of course the cups only come in 12 and 16 ounces. Yup I’m a moron. The cashier smiled back at me as she repeated my order and took my money. I don’t think my face could have been any redder after an experience like that. At least the people standing behind me were too busy checking their stocks in the Wall Street Journal to care about my public humiliation.

I grabbed my drink and headed off to the office for another long day of work. I pressed the button for the 13th floor and watched the doors closed symmetrically in front of me. The elevator raced to the 13th floor and I stepped across the threshold into my familiar work space. The receptionist gave me my mail and directed me to the conference room for the morning meeting. After the meeting was over I took my place in my small cubical in the center of the room. Pounding on keys and making phone calls seemed like a life time until lunch break. I grabbed my coat and made my way to the elevator for a lunch break. As the doors opened on the first floor, my phone buzzed in my pocket. “One Missed Call” it indicated. I didn’t feel it ring earlier today. I looked at the number, and sure enough it was her. Not conscious of the idea that she might have hesitated calling me, I dialed her number and waited for her answer. The call went to voicemail. Typical, I thought and proceeded to the front doors. I hadn’t yet come up with a good system for lunch. There were so many options, yet I haven’t found a place where I can comfortably call “my spot.” So I grabbed a sandwich from quiznos and found a bench to eat my lunch.

The afternoon seemed to last for hours as phone call after phone call to various upsetting clients clogged my mind. I could honestly swear that no matter how pleasantly you present the troubling information that a product is currently unavailable to a client, they always seem to blame you for their bad timing. In a way I take it as a compliment. I have always wanted for someone to tell me how bad I am doing at my job because I can’t tangibly fly to china in 30 minutes to pick up what they are looking for. I made my way to the break room to punch out for the day as the familiar vibration in my pocket resounded. I hurried to find my phone, but by the time I got to it, I missed the call….again. For the second time today she has called me and conveniently hung up the phone just before I answered. I strolled out of the office and stood frozen in the elevator. I reached the bottom floor and took a deep breath before entering the busy streets of Downtown. As the doors to the elevator slowly opened, a silhouette of her came into view. My eyes refocused, and by the look on her face, I knew something was up. She came silently came over and gave me a hug. I was a bit uneasy as she looked me in the eye and asked me to walk with her. The last time something relevantly close to this happened, we ended our high school relationship. I was more confident this time knowing that I really didn’t have anything to lose by going with her. She started off by asking me how my day was. Strange question I thought continuing to walk. I almost wanted to answer with “well I got attacked by a cyclist walking to the bakery, spilled mustard on my pants, and almost flew to china to please an upset customer.” I decided now probably wasn’t the time for humor. So I decided to go with the simple: “It was good, how was yours.” She gave me that look when you know its going to be a long story. She took a deep breath and simply said: “Where do I begin.” At first I thought it was going to be one of those stories where I got all the details of her overly stressful day, all the way down to what she had for breakfast, but it turned out being much more than that.

We walked to the coffee shop, and by that time my hands were still shaking from the story she told me. I wasn’t really sure how to take it at this point. We grabbed our coffees and sat down as she continued. Long story short, she basically told me that she ran into a guy she knew from her second year in college. She never mentioned him in the grand scheme of things. I couldn’t be upset realizing that during those years, we were completely disconnected from each other. She told me how nice it was to see him and how they were able to catch up over lunch. I was truly happy for her…at least at that point. She told me after she left that school she thought she would never see him again. There were so many sarcastic things I wanted to say while sitting across the table from her, but I had to zip my lips. As she continued the story, she told me that they actually dated during that period of time. I was shocked because she never mentioned that to me before, especially after the D-day experience in the coffee shop. My enthusiasm for her story started to fade. I found my self responding to her story with lines like: “That’s cool” and “Oh ok.” You know all the intelligent ones. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be happy or upset. Her face started to light up with each and every detail of the story. I’m pretty sure mine looked something short of Eor from Winne the Pooh. As if the story wasn’t enough, she told me he invited her to dinner the following night with his parents. Nice, I thought, only being reminded constantly of the countless wedding movies meeting the in-laws. My throat started to sting as I tried to swallow every bit of the hopes and expectations I had built up inside. I desperately wanted to be happy for her, and don’t get me wrong, I really was, but the void in my heart seemed to get a little bit bigger.

We finished our coffee and headed outside. The clouds were filling the sky as if it was going to rain. What a great way to set the ambiance for my mood. She looked at me as if she knew something was wrong. I honestly don’t know what gave me away, maybe the shiny gloss covering my eyes almost dripping from my eye lids, or the way my hands were shaking. I didn’t want to be a damper on her day. So I quickly came up with a response. “Oh I have a terrible head ache, and my eyes water every time I get one.” Whether or not she bought it was beyond me. She asked me if I needed any medicine. Of course she had a whole walgreens stashed in her purse. It always reminded me of Mary Popins when she would pull all the bedroom furniture from her purse. “Yes I’ll have 3 asprins, 2 crushed Tylenol, and 4 excedrins, in a club soda, on the rocks.” I thanked her for her offer but turned it down knowing exactly what was wrong with me.

We parted ways at the parking garage down town. I jumped in the car and sped away hoping she couldn’t see the ocean of tears flowing from my face. I wanted to be happy. I wanted her to be happy. I guess in all reality I realized I wanted to be happy with her. Flash backs of the old man came back into mind as I remembered what he said: “Never lose a chance to tell someone you care, because you really don’t ever know what you have until it is gone forever.” With that I broke down and cried profusely. As I was starting to calm down, the vibrating sensation of my phone took over my consciousness. Once again, it was her calling. I toyed with the idea of letting it go to voicemail, because I was unsuccessful with my other 2 attempts to get to the phone on time today. I decided to answer. “Hello?” I said softly trying not to give off the impression that I was crying. “Hey its me…..ummmm are you ok?......you just seemed kinda out of it today.” I tried my best not to start to break down again. “Oh I’m fine, it was a stressful day at work, and I had a lot on my mind.” You know the usual BS. “Oh I see…..so how are you taking things?” she just had to ask. “Taking what things?” I supposed I had to be careful not to seem insensitive, but at that point I was rather apathetic about it. “Oh…….good, I’m really happy for you.” I’m not sure if it was my tone of voice that gave it away but her next question made it seem as though she didn’t believe me. “Are you sure you are doing ok with this?” I almost wanted to believe that she wanted me to not be ok with it. “Absolutely, just as long as you are” I replied with a laugh. She laughed back and told me she had to go. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes as I knew that this was no longer a drill. This wasn’t just a terrible nightmare in an Italian restaurant.

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite restaurant and walked inside. “Table for one please” I said to the hostess as I waited on the bench. I sat down at the table and glanced over the menu. It was one of those terrible habits where I knew exactly what I was getting, but still felt the need to look over the menu just for clarification. I ate my dinner and paid the check. By the time I walked out of the restaurant the sky was dark, and rain was pouring down on the empty streets. No use getting out the umbrella, I was already wet. I walked slowly back to the car and got in. I sat in the front seat for a while trying erase the visual image of a guy I didn’t even know, or someone I have never seen before. I gained enough strength to drive home and find my way to the apartment door in the dark. The electricity went out the building due to the storm.

I grabbed the flashlight and went searching through the cupboards for a few candles. I found the candles and placed them strategically around the room. Sitting in the candle lit room, the darkness resonated both inside and outside of my heart. I sat for a few hours before mustering up enough strength to find my way to bed. I pulled the covers over my head, and tried to find my place in a world I knew nothing of.

To Be continued…..