The cool brisk air clinched to the back of my neck as I stepped out of the coffee shop. The neatly fashioned fur on my new coat didn’t quite do the trick today, but it was enough to keep me warm. I wasn’t quite sure how to get used to wearing fur. I have always thought fur was a woman’s trademark. You don’t really hear commercial jingles about a man asking for a fur coat for Christmas. I felt like a wannabe calvin klein model walking down the street today. There was a certain mood in the air. It was a good one. I guess it could be described as the pre-new years resolution attitude. It is notorious for all the people who will spend the 31st of December doing almost anything they want just because they know that when January 1 rolls around they have to attempt to look like they are actually trying their new years resolution out for size.
I can’t honestly say that was the only reason for my smile today. I think I am still feeling the effects of Christmas day. I had her gift wrapped neatly under the tree, and I sat on my Lazy boy for about an hour Christmas morning trying to muster up enough motivation and excitement to see what was beneath the neatly wrapped paper. I tore open the paper to find a photo album. As I flipped through the pages, I was nearly brought to tears of joy as I gazed upon the number of candids that filled its pages. Candids mainly of us and our journey over these last few months. I couldn’t stop looking at them all day. The nerdy part of me comes out when I look at photographs. I am always looking for compositional value. These were absolutely priceless; I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.
Although it was bitterly cold on this new years eve, I was still warm inside as I continued to soak my mind with the images from the album. There was one in particular that I consider my favorite one. She had her camera sitting on the table at some point and I was able to capture her just after she sneezed. The face was priceless. It looked like she was impersonating someone from a 80’s glam rock video. She bothered me about it for hours as I begged her not to delete it. When I stumbled across that one my face lit up.
It amazes me how empty everything is today. I walked into the local gym to experiment with those stationary running machines…oh yeah treadmills. Whoever came up with the treadmill was an absolute genius. There is nothing like the art of irony like creating a machine that allows you to run (or in most cases walk) without even leaving the room. If you ask me I just think it is absolute laziness. “look at me hun, I don’t even have to leave the room.” Their down fall was when they let people control the speed. There isn’t just a simple setting that says run, walk, jog, or sprint. That would just be too simple. So after 2 minutes and 30 seconds of pondering such madness, I jumped off the treadmill soaking up the sweat from my brow.
As I passed the counter on my way out of the gym I saw customer service setting up ropes to make standing in line more organized. I wondered if they were having some kind of special even there at the gym the next day, but then I was reminded that it was New Years Day tomorrow and there will probably be half the population of America standing in line at the local 24 hour fitness to get a membership, while the other half will still be attempting to get out of bed; I included.
I could probably spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I was going to do this new years eve, but I decided making plans only stresses me out, and my doctor says: “no stress or else.” Or else what? I feel like I’m hiding a dirty little secret when I stress out. I haven’t thought about making a new years resolution just yet. Who knows maybe something I see will inspire me to make one.
I sat in the front seat of the car thinking about my next spontaneous location while listening to talk radio. Its been a while since I have had the time to listen to talk radio. Not that I enjoy it much. It tends to compete with my cynicism. I have a hard time focusing on what they are trying to get at these days anyways. It is all filled with so much political jargon and opinionated garbage about irrelevant issues like organic cat food and automatic seatbelts for the 90’s pintos. It is however soothing white noise to have playing in the background as the foreground of my mind contemplates my next step.
I have always wanted to simply spend New Years Eve sitting in a coffee shop filled with simple people sipping Italian coffee and reading romance novels. It just seems so peaceful. I have have always imagined what midnight would look like in an environment like that. I can imagine the Jazz music playing in the background as people sit across the table from each other discussing philosophy, books, or other intelligent paraphernalia, while I sit in a corner with a good book and a hot steaming cup of java. Then all of a sudden the clock strikes midnight and the whole coffee shop roars with laughter and cheer ringing in the New Year. At 12:01 people go back to what they are doing and all is well.
As I was having my sappy day dream about such a night, the vibrating sensation from my pant pocket brought my back to reality. Just because I was in such a good mood today, I decided to answer my phone before letting it ring past the chorus of “I’ve got nerve.” Of course it was her on the other line; who else? She seemed like she was in a good mood. I asked her if she had any good plans for the evening; all the while I was still envisioning the perfect new years. She mentioned the reason for calling was to see if I had any plans. I selfishly told her of my idea of the perfect evening. I was rather surprised to get the response I did. I expected to hear that I could do much better on a night such as new years, but it wasn’t like that at all. She said that sounded like something she would totally go for. I asked her if she was able to join me. I was in too good of a mood to notice her somewhat apprehensive response, but she agreed to participate.
I went back to the apartment to grab a good book in the event of a worst-case scenario. I sat at the kitchen table thumbing through the album a few more times before I left. It is more like a drug than it is a Christmas present. I couldn’t help looking at it so much. The photos brought back so many memories. Mostly good, some bittersweet, and the rest were just simple. I flipped to the back page of the album and noticed a note sticking out of one of the pages. I pulled it out and glanced over it. “I thought you would enjoy these candid photos, I know how much you love pictures so I was hoping to make your season special with pictures. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…your friend…” I wasn’t quite sure how to react to the whole friend comment. I mean at least it wasn’t marked “with love.” I’m sure I would have gotten more fired up about that, but considering all we’ve been through I was somewhat taken back by the signature. Oh well, its insignificant. I’m most likely just reading too far into it like I always do.
I hopped in the car and drove to the coffee shop awaiting her arrival. As I walked through the door, the environment was all I had hoped for. It was already off to a great start. There were people sitting and talking at tables, the jazz music was playing in the background, and a number of people were curled up by the fire reading romance novels. I stood in line to order my large cup of java before settling into a long night; one that was going to be all I had ever hoped for. I grabbed my coffee and sat down at a table in the corner of the room. I showed up an hour early so I could be sure to find a place to sit. I was made sure no one stole the empty chair across. Almost an hour passed by and I was lost in my book that I didn’t even recognize the time. I looked up and noticed the sun sinking below the horizon line welcoming the night to come. I glanced at my watch recognizing that she was almost 15 minutes late.
I set my book on the table and stared at the door for a while hoping that by me actually staring at it she would magically walk on through. I found that doesn’t work too well. It works just as well as me talking to my phone hoping she would call. I have had to learn to find contentment in the blunt reality that telepathic communication just doesn’t work. Another hour passed by as I sat justifying my reasons not to call her hoping that she would find her way here. I came up with all sorts of creative reasons as to why she could possibly be late. Everything from traffic, to not being able to find her favorite brand of lip gloss in that giant purse of hers. But no matter how much I pondered, nothing seemed to stick.
It was 10:45 when I last glanced at my watch. I looked around the room and people were preparing themselves for the hour count down to bring in the new year. I was still trying to coordinate my new years plans. I glanced down at my phone just as it started ringing. I sighed with relief hoping this would shed some light on the current situation. “Uhhhh…..” This can’t be good. Nothing good ever comes out of a conversation that starts with “uhhhhh.” She vaguely attempted to explain that at the last minute she was invited to a New Years party with ‘some people from the hospital.’ She told me they guilt tripped her into going and she was really sorry. I think she must have repeated that every other sentence. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. She “promised” she would make it up to me somehow. I was still trying to dig for that Sharpe pain in my coronary region. I don’t know if it was out of anger or stupidity but I decided to be bold. “Is he gunna be there?” that otta blow things wide open. She paused for a moment and said: “As a matter of fact he’s the one who invited me. I thought it was the least I could do after calling off the wedding.” I can honestly say I know what the term heartache literally means now. The rest of the conversation was a blur. She repeated to tell me how bad she felt and how nothing is gunna change between us, and all I could hear was blah blah blah. I was unintentionally zoning her out while trying to find myself so to speak. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. I glanced back at the book I was reading and continued to try to read to keep my mind off of things.
The pages became smeared by the tears I was fighting to choke back. You know the feeling of trying to choke back tears so no one knows your crying. My face probably looked like I had just take a bite out of a lemon as I attempted to let the tears run back into their ducts. The 10 minute warning until the new year flashed across the monitor as everyone in the shop became rather restless. The last ten minutes I sat watching everyone around me. As Dick Clark began the final countdown and nearly everyone in the room was positioning themselves to ring in the new year. The ball began to drop in New York City and as it finally hit the bottom, the room became a scene from a sappy romance movie where everyone was kissing their significant other at midnight.
There was roaring laughter and cheer, just as I had hoped for; all except for me. I sat dormant in the corner of the room as the clock struck 12:00 January 1. It was the picture perfect setting. Everything down to the Italian coffee and philosophical discussion. I looked around the room and everyone was taken in by their other-halves. I sat alone watching it all unfold.
I stood up from my seat and grabbed my fur jacket and novel and headed towards the door. It was 12:13 January 1st. I placed my hand against the cold metal frame of the door and glanced back at the crowd of people. I think I may finally have my New Years resolution.
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